committed suicide again

My dad's best friend just committed suicide. I was a bit shock after seeing the email from my dad.

Then I found out that actually my mom didn't want me to know about it. I guess my brother and mom are just worrying about me. Actually I am ok this time, it's the second time I know someone that I know committed suicide. I don't know how to express that feeling. This time it is not as sad as last time, maybe I already got used to that sad feeling that I have not that strong feeling about it anymore.

I got a long talk with my brother and I guess he would never understand what I would feel. Maybe it's good that he is more optomistic than me, he never suffer like I do. I almost cried when I was talking with him tonight. There are so many things that I couldn't tell him that I feel so lonely sometimes and I feel life is so meaningless. I do have goals, but really so hard for me to reach and I don't want to reach it anymore. I feel life is so tiring sometimes that I do understand why ppl suicide. Everytime I think of my ex-colleague, I feel sad for her and I really hope I won't turn out to be like her.

Really really want to talk with you. I really wonder if you ever got my sms. Are you even in Vancouver? Where are you now? Are you happy now? I know you are happier without me and I don't want to bother you anymore.

The last sms I sent to you, I really didn't meant it. I mean I was just reading some old sms msg when I was thinking of the past and you. But....it's actually what I really do feel. I do miss you and need you, even you are not around. I do keep telling myself, once I was loved and I do had a great time with you. Maybe its so stupid to still beleive that you are the only one that would be with me no matter what. Maybe its so stupid to think I am still somewhere in your heart. Maybe its so stupid that I still hope one day I can see you again....

Doesn't matter....everything doesn't matter....I know being alive is already something I can do for my friends and family.