My eyes are so red again and I was so scare. I don't want ot look at the mirror and I don't want to go out. I really want to stay in Vancouver, but I worry that I cannot stay. I don't want ot be a monster. What can I do?
I feel so worry and scare and so unhappy. I think I don't deserve to live or deserve to be loved. I am worry that I can;'t even find a job cause I will be scaring people away. I wish I can be a normal person. I wish I can
Monday, June 29, 2009
Saturday, June 27, 2009
HIM
I had BBT with HIM and the others today. The feeling is a bit wierd. I don't know how to explain. Maybe I am still not use to being here ( Vancouver) again, maybe I am not use to see there is a girlfriend beside HIM yet, mayb cause I am still not sure if I should stay in Vancouver yet, maybe cuz we all changed.
Everything make the whole night different. I wouldn't say it's a very unhappy night, but it is a night that will make me think of many things. Seeing other going back to school or move to other position. Everyone is having different life and new life. And even one friend is planning to get a house and get marry soon. It just....how to say...
I don't know if I should still see HIM anymore. Actually, I still feel it is a bit unrespecting me to bring his girfriend out. I am not jealous or anything, but I just feel it is not possible for me to make friends with his girlfriend and I just don't know wat to say sometime. Should I pretend nothing had happened before? Think a lot about the past again. And thinking about ......again......
Everything make the whole night different. I wouldn't say it's a very unhappy night, but it is a night that will make me think of many things. Seeing other going back to school or move to other position. Everyone is having different life and new life. And even one friend is planning to get a house and get marry soon. It just....how to say...
I don't know if I should still see HIM anymore. Actually, I still feel it is a bit unrespecting me to bring his girfriend out. I am not jealous or anything, but I just feel it is not possible for me to make friends with his girlfriend and I just don't know wat to say sometime. Should I pretend nothing had happened before? Think a lot about the past again. And thinking about ......again......
Friday, June 26, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Unpack......Unpack
Today, still doing a lot of unpack. Open more and more boxes and trying to clear off the stuff. I thought this house is not the same, but the things I find out is still full of shadow. There are so many paper with his handwriting and still so many display figures that bought from him. Also, dry flowers, purfume and even a receipt.
There days I can't stop thinking. I don't know what I should do and really don't know if I should stay. I don't think I am fitting-in in HK, but as well I don't feel belong to Vancouver anymore. There few days I am just hiding at home doing house cleaning and unpack the boxes. Most of the time just spend with my mom or sleep. I haven't meet any of my friends yet and not sure how long I will be staying. But somehow I feel lonely. I feel I don't have much friends.
There days I can't stop thinking. I don't know what I should do and really don't know if I should stay. I don't think I am fitting-in in HK, but as well I don't feel belong to Vancouver anymore. There few days I am just hiding at home doing house cleaning and unpack the boxes. Most of the time just spend with my mom or sleep. I haven't meet any of my friends yet and not sure how long I will be staying. But somehow I feel lonely. I feel I don't have much friends.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Messy New Home
Finally back to my new home. I miss my bed so much, my comfy bed.
It werid to be back home, cause this is a new home. Everything is new. New home, new room, new setting, new tv, new kitchen...etc....feel not like my home anymore...but in there, there are no more old memory, no more shadow of anybody. I hope I can start a new life in here, well...still thinking of starting a new life in Vancouver.
It's a totally different world. The things and world happened yesterday is still in my brain. The busy, crowd, noisy, but surounded by friends and family's life is still with me in my mind. Sometimes it's really hard to choose and take the choice.
I don't know if I can have a new start or should I have a new start. Also, becuase of you I am worry if I can face it. I tell myself I am a brave gal now, I should able to face it, but actually I know I am still weak. I am scare to see anything about you......
P.S. Many things are missing in this home, I have a bad feeling about it. like my room is not my room anymore. where are the things??? Feel so sad......
It werid to be back home, cause this is a new home. Everything is new. New home, new room, new setting, new tv, new kitchen...etc....feel not like my home anymore...but in there, there are no more old memory, no more shadow of anybody. I hope I can start a new life in here, well...still thinking of starting a new life in Vancouver.
It's a totally different world. The things and world happened yesterday is still in my brain. The busy, crowd, noisy, but surounded by friends and family's life is still with me in my mind. Sometimes it's really hard to choose and take the choice.
I don't know if I can have a new start or should I have a new start. Also, becuase of you I am worry if I can face it. I tell myself I am a brave gal now, I should able to face it, but actually I know I am still weak. I am scare to see anything about you......
P.S. Many things are missing in this home, I have a bad feeling about it. like my room is not my room anymore. where are the things??? Feel so sad......
Monday, June 15, 2009
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Great!!!
My dad called me 10 minutes ago and told me that he got a customer there which was from SFU too. He asked me to speak with her on the phone and I was like what the heck?
She said: " you might know my brother, he is XXX"
I was like...My goodness...this is not happening to me....
I said: " I know who he is and I know who you are, you are EEE. I been to your place before in Vancouver"
She said: " I don't remeber you. What's your name?"
I said: " Vivian"
She said: " There are too many Vivian, which one?"
I said: "................er.........er........er........I was Bi's gf"
She said: " I don't remeber, maybe I will remeber after seeing you again"
Then she told my dad: "she really knows my brother"
I was thinking, what's going on??? Really such a small world?? Stop playing me!!!
So you want me to let go or what???
Today is Bi's birthday.
Well, in Hong Kong and two hours later in Vancouver time.
Bi and XXX are best friends.
Great!!!
She said: " you might know my brother, he is XXX"
I was like...My goodness...this is not happening to me....
I said: " I know who he is and I know who you are, you are EEE. I been to your place before in Vancouver"
She said: " I don't remeber you. What's your name?"
I said: " Vivian"
She said: " There are too many Vivian, which one?"
I said: "................er.........er........er........I was Bi's gf"
She said: " I don't remeber, maybe I will remeber after seeing you again"
Then she told my dad: "she really knows my brother"
I was thinking, what's going on??? Really such a small world?? Stop playing me!!!
So you want me to let go or what???
Today is Bi's birthday.
Well, in Hong Kong and two hours later in Vancouver time.
Bi and XXX are best friends.
Great!!!
你最念念不忘的人是誰?
最念念不忘的人是 : 失去了的戀人
你是一個失去以後就會覺得後悔的類型的人，所以你最念念不忘的人不是別人，是失去了的戀人。當你們分手後，你會因為失去而懊惱不已，如果是因為你自己的原因而導致分離，你就會一直記掛著他/她，卻忽略了在你身邊的人。你就是那種，分開後才知道自己多麼在乎他/她的人。
你是一個失去以後就會覺得後悔的類型的人，所以你最念念不忘的人不是別人，是失去了的戀人。當你們分手後，你會因為失去而懊惱不已，如果是因為你自己的原因而導致分離，你就會一直記掛著他/她，卻忽略了在你身邊的人。你就是那種，分開後才知道自己多麼在乎他/她的人。
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Where I belong??
I don't know where I belong. I am so lost too, I don't know where I belong.
I don't fit in Hong Kong, but I don't fit in Vancovuer as well.
What should I do???
Who am I???
I don't fit in Hong Kong, but I don't fit in Vancovuer as well.
What should I do???
Who am I???
Sunday, June 7, 2009
三點半睡不著可以做D咩？
又睡不著，三點半可以做D咩？
係床度轉左轉右，又係想著同一個人，那個人好像很近又好像很遠。有時以為自己忘記了，但怎麼一下子又在眼前，心有點隐隐作痛，不知如何去形容這種感覺。不應該再去想，不會有期望，但卻無法忘記。一段只有一個人的愛情可算是愛情嗎？
有時合上眼好像已想不起他的樣子，也忘記了他的聲音，已經太久了。之後不自覺拿起電話聽著他的說話，又好像沒有那麼久，甚至好像昨天才聽過的聲音。
然後感覺很害怕很孤獨，我不像別人想像般堅強，我的笑容背後是有眼淚的，我不知前路怎樣行下去。很想知道那答案，人很奇怪，明明已經知道了，卻總想確認那是真的，那不就是明知刀割會痛但也要一刀砍下去直至血流不止。
又一晚了，如果他知道一定會覺得很心涼，最後他還是贏了，過程不重要，最緊要係結果，我自問輸得甘心情願。
我不知他現在和誰一起，在世界那一處，但我知道他是不會忘記我的，那已經夠了。
你 最近還好嗎 ? 尚愛看少女漫畫嗎 ?
最近 近乎沒露面 你有新對象嗎 ?
* 真想帶你見見 我剛識到的她
我想聽你意見 這算是病吧 ?
為何無論我 願意怎樣試 怎樣也
不可一樣愛慕她 ?
(沒令自己戀上她 ? )
難道沒練習太耐 感覺都追不回來
試圖再 努力愛 也顯得不自在
不懂得如何談戀愛
還是我太愛你 對過去太放不開
難道是寂寞太耐 生銹的鎖不能開
鑰匙也 折斷了 留在舊患所在
懷內 放滿對你的愛 難怪跟誰也 再沒法戀愛
我 有時仍很怕 路過你那從前的家
往事若然未落幕 再揭起有害嗎？
（repeat * #）
難道沒練習太耐 感覺都追不回來
試圖再 努力愛 也顯得不自在
耿耿於懷從前的愛
從沒有 振作過 痛了再痛也應該
難道是寂寞太耐 生銹的鎖不能開
往事卻 似斷箭 還剩下在體內
若懷內 放滿對你的愛
害怕一直也 再沒法戀愛
係床度轉左轉右，又係想著同一個人，那個人好像很近又好像很遠。有時以為自己忘記了，但怎麼一下子又在眼前，心有點隐隐作痛，不知如何去形容這種感覺。不應該再去想，不會有期望，但卻無法忘記。一段只有一個人的愛情可算是愛情嗎？
有時合上眼好像已想不起他的樣子，也忘記了他的聲音，已經太久了。之後不自覺拿起電話聽著他的說話，又好像沒有那麼久，甚至好像昨天才聽過的聲音。
然後感覺很害怕很孤獨，我不像別人想像般堅強，我的笑容背後是有眼淚的，我不知前路怎樣行下去。很想知道那答案，人很奇怪，明明已經知道了，卻總想確認那是真的，那不就是明知刀割會痛但也要一刀砍下去直至血流不止。
又一晚了，如果他知道一定會覺得很心涼，最後他還是贏了，過程不重要，最緊要係結果，我自問輸得甘心情願。
我不知他現在和誰一起，在世界那一處，但我知道他是不會忘記我的，那已經夠了。
你 最近還好嗎 ? 尚愛看少女漫畫嗎 ?
最近 近乎沒露面 你有新對象嗎 ?
* 真想帶你見見 我剛識到的她
我想聽你意見 這算是病吧 ?
為何無論我 願意怎樣試 怎樣也
不可一樣愛慕她 ?
(沒令自己戀上她 ? )
難道沒練習太耐 感覺都追不回來
試圖再 努力愛 也顯得不自在
不懂得如何談戀愛
還是我太愛你 對過去太放不開
難道是寂寞太耐 生銹的鎖不能開
鑰匙也 折斷了 留在舊患所在
懷內 放滿對你的愛 難怪跟誰也 再沒法戀愛
我 有時仍很怕 路過你那從前的家
往事若然未落幕 再揭起有害嗎？
（repeat * #）
難道沒練習太耐 感覺都追不回來
試圖再 努力愛 也顯得不自在
耿耿於懷從前的愛
從沒有 振作過 痛了再痛也應該
難道是寂寞太耐 生銹的鎖不能開
往事卻 似斷箭 還剩下在體內
若懷內 放滿對你的愛
害怕一直也 再沒法戀愛
Thursday, June 4, 2009
煩的男人
我最怕煩的男人，那一些一天SMS我至少一次告訢我他在做甚麼的男人，一些常問我是否生病好返未的男人，一些每天晚上打給我的男人，那些常約我單獨食飯的男人，那些成日問我去左邊同邊個一齊的男人。
Come on, 我已經有一個阿爸，我做咩關你鬼事，做咩依家D男人咁鍾意拎燕窩我食咁奇怪，重有日日食雪糕甜品好肥嫁。真唔明我唔好意思收線唔講野十分鐘都唔收線，可否下次有重點先打比我呀？此外我MSN block 左既男人重要問我朋友成個禮拜無見我，問我去左邊，大佬呀我好日都見唔到你一次，大家唔係咁熟嫁jar。
男人呀男人，你地好煩呀！！！
Come on, 我已經有一個阿爸，我做咩關你鬼事，做咩依家D男人咁鍾意拎燕窩我食咁奇怪，重有日日食雪糕甜品好肥嫁。真唔明我唔好意思收線唔講野十分鐘都唔收線，可否下次有重點先打比我呀？此外我MSN block 左既男人重要問我朋友成個禮拜無見我，問我去左邊，大佬呀我好日都見唔到你一次，大家唔係咁熟嫁jar。
男人呀男人，你地好煩呀！！！
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
主題：給孩子的備忘錄
主題：給孩子的備忘錄
我兒： 寫這備忘錄給你，基於三個原因：
（一）人生福禍無常，誰也不知可以活多久，有些事情還是早一點說好。
（二）我是你的父親，我不跟你說，沒有人會跟你說。
（三）這備忘錄里記載的，都是我經過慘痛失敗得回來的體驗，可以為你的成長省回不少冤枉路。
以下，便是你在人生中要好好記住的事：
（一）對你不好的人，你不要太介懷，在你一生中，沒有人有義務要對你好，除了我和你媽媽。至於那些對你好的人，你除了要珍惜、感恩外，也請多防備一點 ，因為，每個人做每件事，總有一個原因，他對你好，未必真的是因為喜歡你，請你必須搞清楚，而不必太快將對方看作真朋友。
（二）沒有人是不可代替，沒有東西是必須擁有。看透了這一點，將來你身邊的人不再要你，或許失去了世間上最愛的一切時，也應該明白，這並不是甚麼大不了的事。
（三）生命是短暫的，今日你還在浪費著生命，明日會發覺生命已遠離你了。因此，愈早珍惜生命，你享受生命的日子也愈多，與其盼望長壽，倒不如早點享受。
（四）世界上並沒有最愛這回事，愛情只是一種霎時的感覺，而這感覺絕對會隨時日、心境而改變。如果你的所謂最愛離開你，請耐心地等候一下，讓時日慢慢沖洗，讓心靈慢慢沉澱，你的苦就會慢慢淡化。不要過分憧憬愛情的美，不要過分誇大失戀的悲。
（五）雖然，很多成功人士都沒有受過很多教育，但並不等如不用功讀書，就一定可以成功。你學到的知識，就是你擁有的武器。人，可以白手興家，但不可以手無寸鐵，緊記！
（六）我不會要求你供養我下半輩子，同樣地我也不會供養你的下半輩子，當你長大到可以獨立的時候，我的責任已經完結。以後，你要坐巴士還是Benz， 吃魚翅還是粉絲，都要自己負責。
（七）你可以要求自己守信，但不能要求別人守信，你可以要求自己對人好，但不能期待人家對你好。你怎樣對人，並不代表人家就會怎樣對你，如果看不透這一點，你只會徒添不必要的煩惱。
（八）我買了十多二十年六合彩，還是一窮二白，連三獎也沒有中，這證明人要發達，還是要努力工作才可以，世界上並沒有免費午餐。
（九）親人只有一次的緣份，無論這輩子我和你會相處多久，也請好好珍惜共聚的時光，下輩子，無論愛與不愛，都不會再見。
你的爸爸 梁繼璋
我兒： 寫這備忘錄給你，基於三個原因：
（一）人生福禍無常，誰也不知可以活多久，有些事情還是早一點說好。
（二）我是你的父親，我不跟你說，沒有人會跟你說。
（三）這備忘錄里記載的，都是我經過慘痛失敗得回來的體驗，可以為你的成長省回不少冤枉路。
以下，便是你在人生中要好好記住的事：
（一）對你不好的人，你不要太介懷，在你一生中，沒有人有義務要對你好，除了我和你媽媽。至於那些對你好的人，你除了要珍惜、感恩外，也請多防備一點 ，因為，每個人做每件事，總有一個原因，他對你好，未必真的是因為喜歡你，請你必須搞清楚，而不必太快將對方看作真朋友。
（二）沒有人是不可代替，沒有東西是必須擁有。看透了這一點，將來你身邊的人不再要你，或許失去了世間上最愛的一切時，也應該明白，這並不是甚麼大不了的事。
（三）生命是短暫的，今日你還在浪費著生命，明日會發覺生命已遠離你了。因此，愈早珍惜生命，你享受生命的日子也愈多，與其盼望長壽，倒不如早點享受。
（四）世界上並沒有最愛這回事，愛情只是一種霎時的感覺，而這感覺絕對會隨時日、心境而改變。如果你的所謂最愛離開你，請耐心地等候一下，讓時日慢慢沖洗，讓心靈慢慢沉澱，你的苦就會慢慢淡化。不要過分憧憬愛情的美，不要過分誇大失戀的悲。
（五）雖然，很多成功人士都沒有受過很多教育，但並不等如不用功讀書，就一定可以成功。你學到的知識，就是你擁有的武器。人，可以白手興家，但不可以手無寸鐵，緊記！
（六）我不會要求你供養我下半輩子，同樣地我也不會供養你的下半輩子，當你長大到可以獨立的時候，我的責任已經完結。以後，你要坐巴士還是Benz， 吃魚翅還是粉絲，都要自己負責。
（七）你可以要求自己守信，但不能要求別人守信，你可以要求自己對人好，但不能期待人家對你好。你怎樣對人，並不代表人家就會怎樣對你，如果看不透這一點，你只會徒添不必要的煩惱。
（八）我買了十多二十年六合彩，還是一窮二白，連三獎也沒有中，這證明人要發達，還是要努力工作才可以，世界上並沒有免費午餐。
（九）親人只有一次的緣份，無論這輩子我和你會相處多久，也請好好珍惜共聚的時光，下輩子，無論愛與不愛，都不會再見。
你的爸爸 梁繼璋
生命在倒數 區樂民
祥哥是我的兒時好友，喜歡研究音響器材，生性樂天，經常哈哈笑。
上個月祥嫂被診斷出癌病，祥哥的笑臉不復見。祥哥對我說：「以往找到一條優質揚聲器電線，我會高興很多天；現在也會高興，但只維持一秒，便感無聊。太太的生命在倒數，電線好不好還有甚麼關係？」
「太太的日子還有多少，」我想了想道：「很難算得準。正因為可能不長久，你必須把握時機，開開心心地和太太度過每一天，將來才沒有遺憾。你快樂，才容易令太太快樂；太太快樂，你會更快樂。」
祥哥沉思我的話。
上星期，另一個朋友在睡夢中去世，沒有任何先兆。死亡究竟距離我們多遠，我們不知道，唯一可以肯定的，是每個人的生命都在倒數。
多行善，少結怨。感激別人的恩惠，忘掉對方的缺點。視逆境作考驗，看生命為情趣。即使明天不再醒來，也會安樂。
上個月祥嫂被診斷出癌病，祥哥的笑臉不復見。祥哥對我說：「以往找到一條優質揚聲器電線，我會高興很多天；現在也會高興，但只維持一秒，便感無聊。太太的生命在倒數，電線好不好還有甚麼關係？」
「太太的日子還有多少，」我想了想道：「很難算得準。正因為可能不長久，你必須把握時機，開開心心地和太太度過每一天，將來才沒有遺憾。你快樂，才容易令太太快樂；太太快樂，你會更快樂。」
祥哥沉思我的話。
上星期，另一個朋友在睡夢中去世，沒有任何先兆。死亡究竟距離我們多遠，我們不知道，唯一可以肯定的，是每個人的生命都在倒數。
多行善，少結怨。感激別人的恩惠，忘掉對方的缺點。視逆境作考驗，看生命為情趣。即使明天不再醒來，也會安樂。
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
我們又在一起
昨晚又發了一個夢。
夢中你看到我家中跟你的合照，當時我並不在家，而童童告訢我你用手機拍下那些照片。
我不明白你的用意而問你為甚麼要這樣做，如果不再喜歡一個人那為甚麼要拍下她的照片，而且還是我們的合照。就這樣我們又在一起了，你住在我家，所有都跟以前一樣，只是這次我不會那樣對你，會懂得珍惜你。現在才發現原來可以和你在一起是很幸福的，甚至怪自己為甚麼不早點跟你說，那就不用浪費幾年的時間傷心難過。我們都沒有問對方這幾年發生的事，我也沒有問起她。就這樣過了三天，很快的三天，之後才發覺是一場夢，甚麼也沒有發生。
夢中你看到我家中跟你的合照，當時我並不在家，而童童告訢我你用手機拍下那些照片。
我不明白你的用意而問你為甚麼要這樣做，如果不再喜歡一個人那為甚麼要拍下她的照片，而且還是我們的合照。就這樣我們又在一起了，你住在我家，所有都跟以前一樣，只是這次我不會那樣對你，會懂得珍惜你。現在才發現原來可以和你在一起是很幸福的，甚至怪自己為甚麼不早點跟你說，那就不用浪費幾年的時間傷心難過。我們都沒有問對方這幾年發生的事，我也沒有問起她。就這樣過了三天，很快的三天，之後才發覺是一場夢，甚麼也沒有發生。
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